Hi again all,
Just re-read this conversation. Some understanding has been percolating in me since it started. I am in appreciation of how different our personality make ups are. I see my personality as the response of who I am, to the conditioning of childhood, and the changes that have taken place in me since, as a result of life itself and intentional learning and healing. When I think of it this way, our differences are so understandable, even if who we are in the I Am is One.
As I look back Danny, the hardships of childhood and my response to them, in some ways made it easier for me to separate my personality from who I am. Danny, to me, whenever we say I did, or my growth or even my personality, who we are is the one who sees the personality, or the growth or what we’ve done. We are the seer, not the thing. A personality is a thing. I am not a thing. A mind is a thing. I am not a thing. Memories are a thing. I am not a thing. A person who has amnesia, does not lose who they are. They lose what they remember. Here I disagree with you. You see, I had a severe form of amnesia, from the time that I was a very small toddler, till I was 33 years old. Those who never recover from the amnesia, still are who they are. Those who experience trauma later in life that causes amnesia are still who they are. In fact are lucky in a way, as they are their essential selves. They truly are who they are without the burden of conditioning and memory. This is a very good link to a personal experience of this. Jill Bolte Tayler suffered a stroke where she lost all of her left brain functions and experience a spiritual awakening. This is her story.
The way that my response to abuse made it easier to see that I am not my personality is in this way. I responded to abuse by separating parts of my personality. In a normal childhood we all do this somewhat. Aspects of ourself that are not loved by parents are separated and denied in most people. If anger or angry thoughts are not allowed, we will as children, try not to have them. Since this is impossible, we end up only denying that aspect of our personalities. We become a person who loses touch with our own angry thoughts and feelings to a certain extent. In my home, all aspects of me were not allowed. The only aspect of myself that was rewarded in any way was compliant listening and agreement. My personality became very fragmented. No one can walk around with no personality. I had so much self hatred, that my personality aspects became what I call “One at a time”. In this way I only had to hate the aspect that was functioning at the time, rather than hate them all at once. If I did something while experiencing one aspect, I had a hard time remembering it when I was functioning from another aspect. When I did have memory it was like someone else was or did that. At times the memories where very foggy. I did not remember any of the worst abuse at all, until I was 33 and learned how to keep my mind in the present moment. When I started having flashbacks, I started being aware of how I was made up inside. I started being aware of all the different aspects of my personality, fragmented as they were. One therapist called this “co-conscious multiple personality disorder”. Later in my healing the therapist types started calling it dissociative identity disorder. I refused all the labels and refused to see a psychiatrist for help, as I did not want to be “officially diagnosed and stuck with the label” or pressured to take drugs. I sought help from coach types.
Healing was a lot about learning to love each aspect of myself. As I did the co-consciousness increased and the memory problems decreased. It still feels at times that I am many personalities in one body, but I see them all as parts of me, not who I am, and my memory is continuous now. My personality will never feel like personalities feel to those who were not forced by circumstances to separate their aspects as much as I had to. I have healed the splits enough now, to function in a healthier, more continuous, congruent way.
How did all this help in being easily able to see that who I am is not my personality? Well it always felt that way. There was a constant I, that I felt, through all of this. It was not personality, as that was fragmented and each aspect never felt like “who I really was”. It was not a great leap to understand that all of my personality wasn’t who I was. Who I am is constant. My personality was different all the time, in response to whatever was happening outside of me at the time. When I was 33 and went through the difficult period of remembering abuse, which was stored in my cells as body memories and dissociated pictures in my brain, I also remembered completely leaving my body during abuse and riding sunbeams to a place of absolute unconditional love and white light. The I am that I felt in that place is who I really am. I knew it. I had no body, no personality and no words were necessary. There was just knowing. There was knowing that I was not alone. The memory of the abuse episode, the leaving my body and being in the white light did not remain when I re entered my body. I had only memory gaps. I was given certain wisdoms in the light, that remained. I did not as a child know, how I knew these wisdoms, I just knew them. I told my mom when I was 6 years old that sometimes I feel like I’m up in the sky, looking down at Lori doing things, but that I was not Lori, I was up in the sky. So you see, all the childhood stuff, and its impact on me ended up being my greatest blessing. Most people have to have a near death experience to go only once to where I went many, many times over. They all say the same thing about unconditional love and oneness. I was gifted in childhood with going there very frequently, whenever the abuse got so much that remembering it would have endangered my sanity. I know this place on a feeling level very well.
For the past 7 years or so, I’ve been discovering different ways to go there in my daily life. Meditation is one. Singing is another. Soul connection with other people is another. My being goes to that same place, where all is love, there is no judgement, and all that has happened in the past, the hurtings and the healings have no import. There is only now, and the love that is felt in my body, now.
I am most grateful, and really, I feel kind of uncomfortable when people feel sorry or bad for me for what I’ve been through. It doesn’t matter in the slightest way. I am so grateful for it. I am blessed. I know I chose this life, all of it. I chose extremely abusive parents as the easiest way to get to the place, where I know I am not my personality. I am not my past. I am not my thoughts or emotions. I am not what I do or what I have done in the past, good or bad. I am not this body. I am the consciousness that understands all of it, and loves all of it. It sort of feels like my personality and experiences are my child. My soul, wished for my experiences, to grow. This is the only important part of any of it. The goal was to see if I could bring the love that I am, into this life, into this 3d world of hardship. My soul wanted to have the ability to be love under any circumstance.
As a human I’m still working at it.
Be the Love
Lori Scott Kaiser